What Is Loving Kindness?
Loving-kindness, or Metta Bhavana, is a meditation practice that focuses on cultivating unconditional loving kindness for all beings. It is one of the key meditations in the Buddhist tradition, but can be practiced by anyone regardless of faith or affiliation.
The Loving-Kindness meditation changed my life and transformed some of my most challenging relationships.
Real Life
When I was in graduate school, I had a very difficult work relationship with one of my superiors. You know the kind, where you just tense up hearing their name, yet all of your projects involve you working with this person. We even shared the same office space, so I had to see this person every day. We also mutually despised each other. I didn’t like her, and she didn’t like me. Neither of us gave into passing courtesies or niceties typical of professional relationships.
At my wits end on how to move forward with my career and seeking some ease in my heart, I gave this meditation a try. As will be described in detail below, when I got to the segment of the meditation that focused on sending Loving-Kindness to a challenging relationship, I focused on her. I kid you not – the following day when I saw her in the office, she was nice to me.
Maybe she noticed that I was different towards her, maybe something more mystical happened; however it happened, it happened, and the impact was immediate.
I kept her in my Loving-Kindness for a while because healthy relationships need many positive steps. Granted, we never became besties or even good work colleagues, but we had some productivity together.
Fast forward 5 years, with both of us in different positions and different cities, I ran into her at a research conference and she was beaming to show me her daughter and catch up on work and life. Funny how things work out. Everything changes, especially relationships , and I credit this Loving Kindness-meditation for bringing in healing and ease.
This practice helps develop loving kindness in all relationships through its structure and repetition.
When engaging in the practice, there are five distinct phases in which you generate loving kindness for:
- Yourself
- for a loved one
- for an adversary
- for a stranger
- and for all beings.
While engaging in this practice, you repeat well wishes and mantras focusing on alleviating some of the suffering in living beings.
These sayings are interchangeable, but I tend to focus on wishing for people to be happy, healthy, safe, and free.
Feel free to expand upon these or refer to other teachers and their sayings. The key is that these intentions are repeated several times for each phase of the practice, and that these intentions are your best attempt at loving kindness.
From the heart: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe from internal and external harm. May you be free to pursue your heart’s will.
Like many practices, the methodical nature of the loving kindness meditation helps generate mindfulness and also serves as a mirror for your reactions. Do you start to get distracted 3 minutes into the meditation? No big deal, just come back to your breath and repetition of the sayings.
What happens when you wish for yourself to be happy, for you to truly pursue your heart’s will? Does it feel like you get stuck? Does it feel like self-love is not possible? It’s okay. You don’t have to transform years of conditioning in one meditation sitting. You can use your reactions as a tool for learning.
If you engage with it objectively, you can learn why it is hard to cultivate loving kindness in certain relationships. You will learn more and more about yourself through each meditation. This is truly a practice you can engage in every day, for as little as 5 minutes a day, for the rest of your life.
Put It Into Practice
So, how do you do it? First, take your seat. Find a relatively quiet space to take a seat, whether that be in a chair or on a meditation cushion.
Set up your seat so you have some comfort, but won’t fall asleep. If you are sitting on the ground, elevate your hips above your knees to help protect your knees. Sit upright, but not rigid. Notice how your shoulders feel and let them drop away from your ears. Relax your jaw and tongue. See if you can gently tuck your chin a bit.
Now start to come into your breath. Notice as you breathe in, and as you breathe out.
You can repeat the following phrase used often by Thich Nhat Hanh: breathing in, I know that I am breathing in; breathing out, I know that I am breathing out.
Establishing your breath is laying down the foundation for your meditation. As your breath steadies, so does your mind. This opens you up for full loving kindness potential. See if you can lead your loving kindness sayings with your breath.
The whole meditation is written out down below, but I will just talk through one segment of the meditation in more detail. Traditionally, metta bhavana is initiated by sending loving kindness to yourself, but I will switch it around for this audience. Notable teachers like Jack Kornfield and Sharon Salzeberg have observed that modern Westerners can struggle with cultivating love for themselves (right?!), so they believe it is good to build up some momentum by starting on a loved one first.
Start by bringing a loved one into mind. This can be a teacher, a partner, a pet, a parent, anyone that you feel a natural warmth and love for. Focus on generating a feeling of loving kindness deep in your heart. You may feel a tingly warm sensation around your heart center. Imagine sending that feeling out to that person, your beneficiary, even if they are on the other side of the planet. Start to repeat the following phrases internally: May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe from internal and external harm. May you be free to pursue your heart’s will.
Repeat these phrases several times, and when you are ready, move on to yourself and repeat the same phrases.
Third, you will bring in someone with whom you have a challenging relationship, understanding that it doesn’t have to be the most difficult one!
Fourth, bring in a stranger, someone you see around, but don’t know personally.
Last, imagine sending loving-kindness to all beings. In each phase, to the best of your ability, focus on cultivating the warmth within and sending it out. If there are certain relationships that don’t naturally and easily evoke loving feelings, it is okay, just try your best and be open and reflective on the experience.
I hope you get peace, ease, and improved relationships through this meditation. What you put into this practice is what you will get out, so get to planting them loving kindness seeds. Remember, meditation is a ceremony for connecting to the here and now and to the endless love you have within your heart.
From My Breath, To your Breath.
From my heart, to your heart.
From my spirit, to your spirit.
-El Gran Lobo de Espiritu
Loving Kindness Meditation
Bring a loved one into your heart.
Imagine sending loving warmth out to this being.
Repeat the following phrases several times:
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe from internal and external harm.
May you be free to pursue your heart’s will.
Now, start to generate loving kindness for yourself. Bring awareness to your heart center and let the warmth radiate within. Repeat the following:
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be safe from internal and external harm.
May I be free to pursue your heart’s will.
Now, bring in someone who you struggle with. You can start with someone who you have a very minor disagreement with. Imagine sending warmth and loving kindness out to this person, repeating several times:
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe from internal and external harm.
May you be free to pursue your heart’s will.
Now bring a stranger into your heart. Maybe you see them at your local coffee shop. Or maybe it is a face you remember from your day. Bringing them into mind, imagine sending warmth out to this person, repeating the following phrases several times:
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe from internal and external harm.
May you be free to pursue your heart’s will.
Let’s start expanding this loving kindness out to the entire world. Start to visualize sending loving kindness to all beings everywhere, wrapping the earth in this love. Sending it out and out and out. Repeating several times:
May all beings be happy.
May all beings be healthy.
May all beings be safe from internal and external harm.
May all beings be free to pursue their heart’s will.
